Because I love you more than I could ever promise

You try to do a good thing

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 07:35:18 GMT

it gets thrown back in your face.

Why bother?

It was like a city of nerds

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 05:26:08 GMT

So, as many of you may now know I am throwing a party for Jasmine. Well, she wanted to invite some guys and since the only guy I know is a friend of a friend I asked Ann Marie (the friend) to ask Fabian (the friend of a friend) if he wanted to come and she reported back to me that I'd have to talk to him in Japanese and I asked if I could just do it at lunch. That was fine and I followed Ann Marie to the computer room where it was so freaky. It was like a city of nerds doing their own thing, laughing at nerdy pictures, talking about math ect. I don't know if I should admit it but I liked it there. Isabella would totally kill me if she ever heard me say that. But it was really nice, they had their own social system and way of doing things. And Fabian, my god, he was the popular guy. It was so warped.

Ugh, painting & Drawing class. Don't mind the 'ugh', I actually LOVE it even though I suck at drawing. It's a nice, fun, light class. The perfect way to end a monday at school. The teacher is helpful and doesn't mind if you talk and I'm with some people that I don't mind being with. Today though Jessica really irked me. She accidentally painted on the desk and then just covered it up with her paper and laughed. It wasn't funny and I told her to clean it up before it smudges and dries but she wouldn't. I'm not a neat freak or anything but that just seemed so... grade two. Alisha and I spent about 15 minutes telling her to clean it up and she wouldn't - saying it was an accident. That kinda made me mad, I mean, lets say you knock over the milk at home, you clean it up even though it was an accident. She hadn't done it by the end of the lesson and so the teacher cleaned it up which I thought was not fair at all because we'd told her over 20 times to do it and she still hadn't and so the paint had dried up and smudged. Plus the tables were all smooth and shiny when we came in and though another guy in the class had got paint all over the table he still cleaned it up without anyone asking - and he is like the most immature person in the grade. So Alisha, Emily and I ended up leaving the class kind of angry at her. I mean, for godsakes, we're in year 9 now and this is stuff a grade two needs to be told to do. Some people need to show some responsibility for their actions and grow up.

Studying while sick =/= learning anything

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 02:30:15 GMT

0.5 x b x h = area of a triangle
l x w = area of a rectangle
l2= area of a square
3/4 x pi x r3 = volume of a sphere
(b x b) x h = volume of a cube/rectangle
pi x r2 = B x H = volume of a cylinder
4/3 x pi x r2 = volume of a sphere
pi x r2 = area of a circle
angle/360 x pi x r2 = area of a sector
b x h = area of a parallelogram
0.5 x (a+b) x h = area of a rhombus
pi x d = circumference of a circle
2 x pi x r = circumference of a circle using radius
angel/360 x 2 x pi x r = arc length

too bad I won't remember half of this in the math test tomorrow

Blah

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 04:48:02 GMT

I'm so stressed out at the moment with school work and homework and friends and i just feel like dying. Would somebody please just make me smile today instead of crying?

Bright & Shiny 7 Day Challenge

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 05:05:34 GMT

So today I felt positively SPARKLING!

YOUR INFO.
Start Date: Monday March 23nd, 2009
End Date: Sunday March 30th, 2009
Todays Thing: Get all work due in on time/Ask for help when needed/be a good friend
Info: So I have a habit of getting things in late... I finished my homework this morning before school and only one thing was due so I felt I kind of cheated. I'm struggling in math at the moment because I've been away and the teacher can't control the class and she doesn't make sense. So I swallowed my pride and asked Caitlin to help me, and it was good, she really did help a lot. There are still some things I don't understand so she said she would help me tomorrow too. And today, I found out that we have a CLOSED book math test tomorrow. how awesome right? I'm so going to fail. Today at lunch time Jess (one of my friends) was kind of exiled from the group because she said a mean thing to Jasmine and Jacqui doesn't like her much. She did apologise and she did say she wasn't thinking, and I know its hard to forgive but she's a friend of mine and I don't have a problem with her because she doesn't tend to think before she speaks. So at lunch time she was standing all alone and my heart went out to her, it really did because I know what it's like to be that girl. So I told her to come stand with us, and she didn't get a very walm reception but I tried to include her and asked her to sleep over sometime and invited her to the library with me and Caitlin. It looked like Jasmine patched things up with her while me and Cait were doing math so it's all good? I felt kinda warm and fuzzy afterward.

Tom's Thing: Smile more. I don't do it a lot so I should make an effort to. Maybe smiling all day will rub off on me.

Bright & Shiny 7 Day Challenge

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 05:28:18 GMT

YOUR INFO.
Start Date: Monday March 23nd, 2009
End Date: Sunday March 30th, 2009
Todays Thing: Make my feelings known
Info: So I usually just let people forget when they forget about me but when it's a really good friend who's doing it I should tell them how I feel... and so I did today. Cait and I did a lap of the oval just talking and stuff and I think we're okay now. I wasn't gonna do the 7 Day Challenge but that inspired me to

Tom's Thing: Get all due work in on time.

...

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 20:28:26 GMT

So you don't want me anymore?
A sick kid is too much for you?
You don't even know how sick I am.
If you would like me you wouldn't last a week.
You'd just crack into a million little pieces.
You think you're stronger than me?
That you have more mental strength?
You don't even have a job.
I've been on this earth for fourteen years.
You don't know me at all.
you don't know me at all...

Letters

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 11:48:43 GMT

I'm attempting a letter to my nanna.
I doubt it will work.
It will probably make everything worse.

<3

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 10:04:20 GMT

YOUR INFO.
Start Date:
End Date:
Todays Thing:
Info:
Tom. Thing:

I don't know if I can do this.
I don't know how to make myself bright and shiny.
I fail at everything 99% of the time.
I'm stuck in the background.
I'm in a class surrounded by lazy/stupid people.
I feel alone in every class that isn't an elective.
There's nothing I can do about it.

sweden... Sweden... SWEDEN

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 05:34:01 GMT

This is just getting crazy freaky.
It started out with a thought.
No, I'll never get to go to Sweden.
Then the assembly
I went to Sweden when I was fifteen... it was really fun... you can do it with the exchange
Then the crazy dreams.
Are you having fun in Sweden? It's so cold here in Sweden... It's a miracle that I'm in Sweden.
Then the random conversations I overhear
Sweden... You should go to Sweden... I've never been to Sweden... sweden... Sweden... SWEDEN
Then the phone call
Hi, this is _____ from Southern Cross cultral exchange... So I hear you want to go to Sweden...
This is getting crazy.
Why is all this stuff happening if it's never gonna happen?

100 Truths meme (because I'm too lazy to write a real entry)

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 10:23:41 GMT

1. Last beverage→ water... boring
2. Last phone call→ oh god...I don't use the phone. EVER. um... I think it would be when I rang Jasmine two weeks ago and told her dad to tell her I called.
3. Last text message→ Grace... forever ago.
4. Last song you listened to→ Take Me or Leave Me - Rent Soundtrack
5. Last time you cried→ Early February

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice → Nope.
7. Been cheated on?→ Nope.
8. Kissed someone?→ Nope.
9. Lost someone special?→ Yes
10. Been depressed?→ Yes
11. Been drunk and threw up? → Nope

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Black
13. purple
14. red
15. silver

HAVE YOU:
16. Made new friends → Yes
17. Fallen out of love → Yes
18. Laughed until you cried → My eyes have watered on a few occasions
19. Met someone who changed you→ Yes
20. Found out who your true friends were → Yes
21. Found out someone was talking about you → Yes
22. Kissed anyone on your friend's list → No
23. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life → Two.
24. How many kids do you want to have→ I'm not sure if I want kids
25. Do you have any pets → Two dogs, two cats
26. Do you want to change your name → Yes. I'd change my last name to my mothers maiden name (Dawson) and not sure about my first
27. What did you do for your last birthday→ My dad forgot and I had some friends over and we went for a walk in the pitch black night and Caitlin spent forever snogging Josh
28. What time did you wake up today → 10-11 (I overslept)
29. What were you doing at midnight last night → in bed trying to sleep
30. Name something you CANNOT wait for → Sweden 2010 (my impossibl dream)
31. Last time you saw your father→ A few hours ago
32. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life→ I can't name just one
33. What are you listening to right now → My dad on the phone in the other room
34. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? → I was talking to a person named Tom today... he gave me lollies lol.
35. What's getting on your nerves right now? → certain people.
36. Most visited webpage → LJ
37. What's your name→ Full: Caroline Jean Azzopardi (why mum WHY?)
38. Nicknames→ CJ, Caz, Cazzie, Carol
39. Relationship Status→ single
40. Zodiac sign→ Libra (em you know I'm more of a serial killer than you right?)
41. Male or female or transgendered→ Female
42. Primary→ Glen Orden Primary - Iramoo
43. Middle School → (no middle school in aus)
44. High school → Werribee Secondary - Staughton College - Werribee Secondary
45. Hair colour → Brown > brown tinted red
46. Long or short → Front is shoulder legnth, back is a little longer
47. Height → 170-something cm.
48. Do you have a crush on someone? → Nope
49: What do you like about yourself? → Physically? Nothing.
50. Piercings → Ears
51. Tattoos → Not yet but I want one
52. Righty or lefty → Righty

FIRSTS :
53. First surgery → none.
54. First piercing → ears - five years old
55. First best friend → Sinaway (haven't seen her since I was 5)
56. First sport you joined → LOL. never.
57. First pet → Barney (I still have him, he's my doggie)
58. First vacation→ Never been on one.
59. First concert→ Never been to one.
60. First crush → A guy named Jackson when I was 6

RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating → Nothing
62. Drinking → nothing
63. Already missing → daytime
64. I'm about to → Shower
65. Listening to → Saw IV in the other room
66. Thinking about→ tomorrow
67. Wanting to → sleep

YOUR FUTURE :
68. Want kids? → not sure
69. Want to get married? → maybe
70. Careers in mind → Not sure. Possibly a writer/teacher

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX? (<--- Ignore the opposite thing if you want)
71. Lips or eyes → Eyes
72. Hugs or kisses → Hugs
73. Shorter or taller → taller
74. Older or Younger → doesn't matter
75. Romantic or Spontaneous → i don't know
76. Nice stomach or nice arms → doesn't matter
77. Sensitive or loud → I like a mix
78. Hook-up or relationship → relationship
79. Trouble maker or hesitant→ both

HAVE YOU EVER :
80. Kissed a stranger → No
81. Drank hard liquor → No
82. Lost glasses/contacts → No
83. Had sex on 1st date → No
84. Broken someone's heart → no.
85. Had your own heart broken → no
86. Been arrested → No
87. Turned someone down → Yes
88. Cried when someone died → No, and I'm not ashamed of it. Sure, I was sad when my Nonna and Nonno died, but I barely knew them and i didn't know my uncle at all.
89. Liked a friend of the same sex? → Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
90. Yourself → Not really
91. Miracles → No.
92. Love at first sight → no
93. Heaven → no...
94.Santa Claus → totally ;)
95. Kiss on the first date? → don't know
96. Angels → No

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → Yes
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? → No
99. Wish you could change things in your past?→ Yes.
100. Are you posting this as 100 Truths? → Kind of

Meme

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 04:33:38 GMT

1. Write your LJ username,
2. Write your two favorite bands/groups at the moment (not overall, just currently),
3. Draw a ♥.
4. Write the name of your favorite person of all time (e.g. Yamada Ryosuke),
5. Write down your recently favored person (e.g. G-Dragon),
6. Tag 5 people to do this meme

Esme's Garden

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 13:54:27 GMT

ESME’S GARDEN Chapter One

The woman stretched below the flickering streetlight. She’d been sitting for hours, waiting, but now it was time to venture into the night, venture home in a city of darkness. She’d lived in the same town for years now, born here into uncertain fate. Her mother named her after a queen, but she was no princess. She was ordinary, nothing spectacular, just a run of the mill Australian, but sometimes not even that. She was no beach babe, didn’t posses a tan, beige skin and thick brown locks that hung down past her shoulders. She could never be bottle blonde, could never be what he wanted.

21 years she’d lived in this town, nobody had changed, yet nobody had stayed the same. It was a weird feeling to realise that maybe it wasn’t they who were the problem, that maybe it was you. She’d dealt with so much in her 21 years, couldn’t figure out if she had ever changed, maybe she’d been this miserable always? She had three second memories that showed her regrets and accidents and mistakes, nothing to say who she really was. She didn’t even know herself. Maybe it was time for a change, a chance to get away. But how could she do that in a town like this? She couldn’t just pack up and leave.

Or could she? Would anyone really notice? After all, it just seemed she was a ghost of a person, somebody not quite there. Life on fast-forward all around them, right in front of their eyes but too far away to reach out, not quite grasping onto loose strings. She did not enjoy the rush, did not enjoy the transparency of being a ghost.

She stood up from the park bench and carefully stepped over the icy yellow grass. Australia was dead, the only thing that ever grew anymore was despair. She took the long route home along the beach, where a silence settled, one that was unnatural, eerie. It was as if the waves had been put on mute and the only sound was her raspy breathing in the cold midnight air. The small stretch of sand is like a stage but she’s not the star, just a background prop that camouflages with the ocean. But she will not cry, not again.

All of a sudden the sad magic is broken, the sound comes back and almost instantly she wishes it hadn’t. There’s a bonfire on the beach – and of course, he is there. She walks quickly, stumbling over the array of beer cans and clothing and she slips past unnoticed. He’s having fun, fooling around with some surfer who has had too much to drink.

She kicks a beer can ahead of her but before she can reach it the ocean swallows it up. She breathes in a shaky breath as she realizes she could have just killed something. Her hand reaches out to pick it up from the next wave but she stops as she realizes she has been spotted. A few teasing catcalls come in her direction and she clenches her fists and walks on determinedly.

I will not cry. i WILL not cry. i will NOT cry. i will not CRY.

It’s her silent mantra as her feet sink into the sand. The sounds come closer until they obstruct her view. She hates them, god, she hates them so much.

I will not cry. i WILL not cry. i will NOT cry. i will not CRY.

“Well, if it isn’t Ana Stinson.” His words are slurred and he is unsteady on his feet. Half of her wishes he will lose his balance and fall but she knows it’s unlikely, and morally wrong. It’s no wonder she was voted for as ‘Most likely to become a serial killer’ in High school. Her eyes flicker to the side and she realises she is surrounded. If she were a fish she could run into the ocean and never stop swimming. But she is no mermaid, can’t even manage a doggy paddle.

“Go away.” The words come out softly, too softly. They are lost in the sudden wind that whips her hair from her face and sends it flying out behind her like a kite. “Go away.”

He takes a step further and for once she wishes she had not failed the judo lessons that were offered in school. If he were to try something, anything, she knows nobody would stop him. “What was that?”

“I said, go away!” She jumps backwards as he takes another step towards her, he is enjoying their little game of cat and mouse.

“Aw Ana, don’t be like that,” his voice lowers into a slow seductive tone, “don’t you want to be popular Ana?”

She jumps to the side as he leaps forward and collides with nothing but air. The waves push against her as she moves into them. Soon she is waist deep, she wonders how much further she can make it before she is covered from head to toe in water, before she drowns.

He stands up, confused and dizzy. She wonders if he will be stupid enough to try and follow her into the water, but no, instead he drops back to his knees and vomits. She takes her chance and flees the scene.

She reaches the pavement, her clothes dripping onto the cement pathway. Her breath is coming out in short quick gasps. She risks a drink from a new water fountain, cringing at the thought of how many people might have urinated on it. Her sense is coming back now, her breathing slows and she sighs, a long loud exhale of air. How stupid she was, being in a dark alley with a serial killer would be less dangerous than the beach on a Saturday night. Her head was muddled by thoughts of leaving this dreary town, but it won’t happen again. Leaving... it’s an impossible dream for her, she has no money, no car, no job. She is stuck, stuck living this ghost of a life on an disconnected island.

ESME’S GARDEN Chapter Two

Under the florescent lighting she peers into her dusty bathroom mirror. She hasn’t used it in days, possibly a week. Her face is scratched up, a smudge of dirt covers her nose. She is a disgrace. Slowly, painfully, she unclenches her fists over the sink. Her nails have pressed tiny welts into the palm of her hand and they bleed trickles of blood into the dirty sink, forming veins. She hasn’t bled in awhile, not since her last episode, and even then there wasn’t a lot of blood. Hair and dead skin mostly. She is like a snake, shedding her skin.

Her hands sting as she dips them until the freezing running water, her blood rushing down the plug hole. She rarely uses hot water, her bills are already too high as it is. She uses one light at a time, and turns them all off when she is reading or drawing. The candlelight makes things so eerie as her pen etches over the paper, her lines forming eyes and lips. She draws herself, always. She has never been much good at drawing others – their image turns into hers anyway. A cooler version of herself. What she could never be. The image is cruel in her mind, making her visibly cringe.

She decides she needs a shower and strips off, stepping cautiously into the tub. She is careful not to look into the mirror, she does not want to see her torn and twisted body. The shower gel makes her wounds throb and ache so painfully but she ignores it and washes the days settlement of dirt off of herself. Her scalp stings as she works the shampoo in... it does not seem as if there is a body part that can escape her torture, even her feet are calloused and dry, the top layers of skin peeled away so often. Sometimes she tries to pretend that the scars are war wounds from a battle... and she knows deep down inside that they are, a battle between her hands and her body. Her hands always win.

Feedback would be awesome

Well no wonder our teachers seem so awesome - THEY'RE BOTH THE SAME PERSON xD

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 11:50:14 GMT

Um so today Mir ran her new fanfiction past me... okay, those of you who know me are probably going "oh, she's not going to read that." But as Mir talked about it I got all into it and stuff. I won't tell you the idea because that's her job but let me tell you - I have read the prologue or whatever you want to call it and oh my god it is so awesome. Even though it's Greys Anatomy and I never ever read Greys fanfiction. Or fanfiction in general. But whatever this was amazing. It gave me bright and shiny bubbles of inspiration so I opened up Word and started writing...

The woman stretched below the flickering streetlight. She’d been sitting for hours, waiting, but now it was time to venture into the night, venture home in a city of darkness. She’d lived in the same town for years now, born here into uncertain fate. Her mother named her after a queen, but she was no princess. She was ordinary, nothing spectacular, just a run of the mill Australian, but sometimes not even that. She was no beach babe, didn’t posses a tan, she had beige skin and thick brown locks that hung down past her shoulders. She could never be bottle blonde, could never be what he wanted.

So feedback would be awesome. Obviously its not finished yet but I'm not sure whether to continue.

So I stayed home today, Jasmine gave me her illness. Nothing eventful happened, I fell asleep again and woke up at 11 or so. Talked to Mir. At about six I went to the doctor and apparently I have a throat infection.
Which is weird because I'm faking sick.
Well, kind of. My nose is all runny and crap and my ears sometimes pop when I swallow but my throat doesn't hurt at all.
When I was getting my medication (yeah, I have to take antibiotics... not sure thats good) the chinese lady who was serving me kinda lent over the counter all secretive right and she was like "are you taking oral contraceptive?" I dunno why I found that so funny, maybe I'm just immature lol.

Jasmine slept over on Saturday night, it was weird that her parents let her. She might be sleeping here on Sunday which is cool and we're getting Chinese for dinner (mainly because the hottest guy i have ever seen works there and she wants to see him). I told her some things to say in chinese *insert perverted smile here* (thank you google translator!).

I should probably go now even though I'm not going to school tomorrow.

"She's baaaaaack!"

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 10:23:42 GMT

So today I overslept my alarm (like usual) but my dad woke me up at 8am so it was alright. I ate breakfast and did my hair and thought how impossible Sweden would be and then we left. We waited in the office for Mr. O'Neil, our assistant principal. A few teachers passed us, I didn't know any of them except for, of course, McSatan. I said hello to her in this really sweet, evil voice and she gave me the infamous death glare of hers. Mr. O'Neil came shortly after that and sorted me into the grade, except it is 9D now and not 9H, still foundation but no McSatan. He put me into Painting and Drawing first class but he made a mistake and told me to go to 3D Shapes. As I walked into the room it kinda went silent and then someone went "she's baaaack". Miss N, who I might add is a total BITCH, didn't look too pleased to learn that I was in her class because everyone was weeks into their project and I had nothing. So I ended up drawing for the first two periods.

We had an assembly so it meant our periods were 10 minutes shorter or so. Year 9 takes place in the gym and I met our co-ordinator, Mr. Gorman who is quite nice. He read out all the boring announcements and then told us someone was here to speak to us and this lady stepped forward and intoduced herself. I don't remember her name but she was talking about exchange students and stuff. I was so tempted to tune out because I thought my dad would never ever let me go because it costs a lot but something kept me listening. She read out the list of countries we could choose from; America (aka, United States), Ireland, Germany, Italy, France, French Canada, Denmark, Finland, Holland, Japan, Norway, South Africa and wait for it - SWEDEN! That made me listen and she told us all about how when she was 15 she went on a trip to Sweden, and she stayed with a host family just outside of Stockholm, and on her first week she came face to face with a moose and people wanted to know if we had kangaroos going down our streets. She said we didn't have to know the language to go there and yes, it would be hard but people were friendly and translated for her. By then me and my friends were all OMGYES!

Recess was fun! Fun! I didn't realise how much I missed Caitiepants and Jacquetta and Jasmine Tea till I saw them again!

I went back to Mr O'Neil because I didn't have a locker yet and got my stuff and he told me that I had English and Science next. I have Mrs Manarcus for English and she was quite nice! I sat with some girls I vaguely knew and she got my name wrong and called me Chantelle. Seriously. So far this year I've been both Chantelle and Catherine. Great. I finished my rough draft before anyone else and started my good copy. The aid, Mrs Baker came up to me and started talking to me in really small words and slowly before asking if I was supposed to be in a different class and I explained and all of the sudden she used big words and talked faster. It was a little bit funny.

Science was alright, I sat with Anne Marie and Stephen Kenny, two people I knew that were okay and we made a map of the human body. There were too other people with us too but I only remember the girls name - Anh. The teacher was a bitch but bearable.

After lunch I went to Mr. Gorman, the co-ordinator and he sorted out my math class and electives, Painting and Drawing on Mondays, Japanese on Tuesdays (I only did that because that would be so awesome to be with Issy and Caitlin and drive Mr. Yoshi mad), Wednesdays Drama and then Japanese, Thursdays Painting and Drawing and Friday Drama with Caitlin. I got slotted into MAC with Mrs Owen and by the time I got to Maths there was only ten minutes left of the period so I didn't have to do any work.

IFT was fun! The teacher we had, Miss Frankish was just like Mrs T. from year 7, absolutely awesome! I didn't do any work in that class either because I didn't have any login info but I got the newsletters and stuff. It was funner than I thought it would be and I hope tomorrow is the same.

Just my goddamn luck

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 02:13:48 GMT

Checked the timetable for foundation last night...
I have MCSATAN for math
For math!
How is it possible for a sport teacher to be a math teacher?
A stupid sport teacher!

Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.
and she's pregnant!
WTH
Seriously, is the universe out to get me this year?
What did I do that deserved a shit load of bad luck?
Did I kill anyone?
Only in stories.
Did I kill animals?
It was not my fault that the water holder fell on our mouse! You can't blame me for that!

Wish I had the money for hairdye right now.

It's funny how your mood can swing drastically in the course of 2 seconds

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 08:08:58 GMT

So, thank you dad, for ruining my afternoon good mood. When I was starting to finally happy.

[out of nowhere]
DAD: By the way
CJ: What? *turns off music*
DAD: You're going to school on friday
CJ: What? Where?
DAD: At Werribee. You'll be doing the foundation course *walks off*

Why am I so tempted to dye my hair pink and pierce my nose?
Because Werribee has an anti facial piercing policy.
And anti natural hair colors.
So I'd get suspended/expelled.
One thing is clear.
I am NOT going back there.
Not while I am still alive and breathing.

It aint Valentine's day anymore, thank god for that

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 14:32:19 GMT

So I've been here for four days now. Its scary. It doesn't feel as if it has been that long at all...
I've been moping under my covers for four days straight, only coming out to eat, pee, see Jasmine and shower.
There is a 1% chance Werribee will change their mind and let me back in... I want to go back, I don't want to go to Galvin.
My dad is halfway willing to let me attend school at the Werribee Community centre where I can get my year 10 pass a year early. My sister went there for a year and a half.
It's a school for misfits, people with problems, people who are different. People like me?
Maybe I need to get help. I don't want to end up a basket case like Dixon off Greys. Or maybe its too late.

I'm worried about my friend Courtney. I know its propbably stupid and all but I used to see her online at least once a day and I haven't seen her online since before I left. Caitlin says she is fine but I dunno, I just worry.
I'm worried about Jasmine too, about leaving her at Werribee. I know she won't be alone, she'll have Jacqui, Caitie and Issy and Jessica and even the pansy Josh and his angry friend Jesse (who she thinks is hot or something? I dunno, you two would make a great couple?). But I kinda feel like I was her outlet for... prawns (inside joke) and other things. I guess Jacqui could be her new 'me' but I dunno how I feel like that I'm afraid of losing contact with her.

Speaking of Jasmine, we caught up on Thursday. Got some Slurpees and walked down to the tables where we laughed about stuff and I found the initials I engraved into the table. We went and saw Chantel B. too, she has not changed at all lookswise. I havent talked to her long enough to see if her personality has changed.

Today I was awoken by my dad who said we had people coming to look at the house. I was sooo tired and quickly got dressed and made my room perfect in 5 minutes flat... Then I came out and they had left! I was very annoyed by that. My dad left shortly after and I retreated into my bed and waited for Dollhouse to be uploaded. Mir came on and we talked a bit.
I'm dying my hair tomorrow, either going Ella Scott Lynch:

or Drew Barrymore:

With both I'll also have to bleach my hair and by some kind of black hair color spray to cover it up while I'm at home. My dad would have a fit.
I'm going to my sisters tomorrow, might see baby Danika. Kathleen can help me with my hair seeing as she has done hers a million times.
I should probably sleep really soon so I'll cut this post off here.

For old times sake

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 06:28:15 GMT

Think back to the 6th grade, but if you are in the 6th grade please DONT do it. There's no fun in it then.

Lets see how much you remember!

_____________________________________

- Who was your best friend?
Jasmine

- What sport did you play?
T-Ball and Rounders

- Did you buy your lunch?
Usually every second week - sometimes my dad would let me get it for a second time in a row

- Did you skip school?
nope

- Did you get suspended/expelled?
lol nope

- Where was your favourite spot?
The Tires or the two log benches

- What was your schools name?
Iramoo Primary

-If you could go back would you?
Nah, it's time to move on

-Who was your teacher?
Mr. Hambrook

- Did you use to do prank calls?
yeah, sometimes

- What do you miss the most?
Easy work! and Chantel B.

- Did you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?
No, lol, I was only 12!

- Did you have a mobile phone?
yes

- Did you dance at the discos?
Once me and Jasmine did! It was hilarious

I tag; posy_doll seriously_em nerd_in_trainin xixlovexgreenx

Family grapevines suck

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 03:56:03 GMT

"Slow down, please slow down
I need to find peace, anywhere in me
I feel like im under water struggling to get air
I feel like im lost in this body, trying to get inside my head

I wanna know, what im thinking what Im feeling
What I want my life to be
I wanna know how I like plan to make things easier
For everyone but me

Tell me, please tell me
What to do, now that I know (where) I stand
Do you really think I could rely on this new person I have become
Do you really think I give a damn now that I can do whatever I want"

These have been the holidays from hell.
Did anybody miss me?
Will any of my family miss me?
I need a shrink.
Most of you knew my dad did pot and was going mental.
January 9th he went mental and my sister called the police. He was arrested.
My aunt who I hadn't seen in years came and got me at 3am.
I love her so much. I will never forget that.
I stayed there for a week. My dad got out of jail.
I moved in with my nan. No net. No phone. I was alone.
She irritated the shit out of me.
But I guess I love her because I put up with it.
I stayed there for almost a month.
We had a 'fight'.
I didn't go to school because I was seriously depressed.
'I wrote love on my arms'
I rang my dad.
Word on the grapevine is that I'm a rude, ungrateful, lazy bitch.
Thank you Nanna, really.
I'm at home now, I might not get back into Werribee S.C.
If I do I wont be in 9F. I'll be in FOUNDATION. aka stupid.
We're moving to Hoppers Crossing.
I spent yesterday crying.
All day.
I had to stop myself today. Otherwise I would never stop.
My aunt wants me to see a counsellor.
I don't know how to explain without feeling stupid.
Everyone on that side of the family will hate me by tonight.
So I should just cut myself off from everyone. That way I won't be a burden to anyone. And I can't feel like I did yesterday ever again.

My sister had her baby. She was so little. 2.5 kg (5.5 pounds)
I have a feeling this wont change her at all

2008, 3 days late

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 19:40:53 GMT

My new years resolution:
to be more honest.
I'm not exactly calling myself a liar, but occasionally I do tell little white lies to people because I don't want to hurt them, but yet I know that I would want to know so I could change it or fix it. So all of 2009 you can expect a totally honest answer.

Good stuff of 2008
#1 Meeting Courtney and spending the day with my friends, October 12th
http://junkyard-song.livejournal.com/25314.html

#2 My birthday party, October 17th
http://junkyard-song.livejournal.com/27201.html

#3 FInishing NaNoWriMo, November 25th
http://junkyard-song.livejournal.com/31281.html

#4 The Library with Caitlin and Courtney, November 29
http://junkyard-song.livejournal.com/31976.html

#5 Presidents Park with the bffwaffles, December 18th (?)
No entry

Bad stuff of 2008
#1 My sister coming over and telling me she wanted to kill herself, October 1st
http://junkyard-song.livejournal.com/23400.html

#2 4 lines a stanza, October 9th
http://junkyard-song.livejournal.com/24398.html

#3 My dad on drugs, October 16th
http://junkyard-song.livejournal.com/27135.html

#4 My dad forgetting my birthday, October 19th
http://junkyard-song.livejournal.com/27632.html

Weird stuff of 2008
#1 I am a genius, August 8th
http://junkyard-song.livejournal.com/11900.html

#2 Serial killer pictures, August 10
http://junkyard-song.livejournal.com/12138.html

#3 Mrs Robinson not being evil, August 29th
http://junkyard-song.livejournal.com/15864.html

#4 A day with Jasmine, August 31st
http://junkyard-song.livejournal.com/16481.html

#5 Finding my double, September 24th
http://junkyard-song.livejournal.com/21349.html

Books of 2008
#1 The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2 - Ann Brashares

#2 New Moon - Stephenie Meyer

Movies of 2008
#1 Tin Man

#2 Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging

#3 St. Trinians

Artists of 2008
#1 Regina Spektor
#2 Those Dancing Days
#3 Emiliana Torinni

People of 2008
#1 Emelie, Karlee, Jasmine, Jacqueline, Caitlin, Miranda, Elin
(Sorry you guys, you are all so awesome that I couldn't decide who was number one)

#2 Courtney, Isabella, Megan, Simone, Lithy
(You are all tied as well)

#3 De-anne, Siti, Nicole

TV of 2008
#1 True Blood

#2 Dead Like Me

#3 Pushing Daisies

Happy new year to everyone, may you be blessed.

'Cause none of us are the same thing...

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 05:49:58 GMT

1. Christmas was crap. It's supposed to be a time when families gather and be together, and it just made me realise how truly alone I am.

2. The kitchen is a war zone, my sister and her bf came over to try and make up for leaving us in a rut yesterday, they were supposed to go to the store and get stuff for dinner so we could eat together on christmas but my sister was too lazy to go so the only dinner avaliable was a soggy microwave roll from 7 11 at like 6pm after eating nothing all day because my dad yelled at me when I came to eat breakfast. So I'm avoiding the kitchen at all costs, purposely staying in bed until 3:30pm and only reappearing at 4pm to go to the toilet and now I am in here listening to Regina Spektor.

3. Begin to Hope is a beautiful song.

I was here
But now I've gone
To take a walk
And I won't be back
'Cause its a lovely day
And none of us know how long we've got to stay

Begin to hope
Begin to hope
And all the colors start to change
Begin to hope
And all the
Light begin to change
Begin to light and all
The hope begins to start
To change the light
Begin to light
And all the hope begins to
Light to change begin
Beneath
The light begins to
Change and all the
Light
Begins
To hope
Colors
Start
Begin
To hope

4. I finished watching all of Dead Like Me yesterday, and then I saw the trailer for the 2009 movie and it looks disappointing. I might not watch it. Also I finished Tin Man too, it was really good. The acting was a little... well... bad but otherwise it is really good, a nice twist of the Wizard of Oz thing.

To go... or not to go?

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 11:53:13 GMT

So my aunty is having the whole christmas lunch thing this year, like she does every year.

the difference?

We're invited this year.

and I'm scared.
I'm so scared.
I don't think they'll like me.
There isn't even a quick way of escaping.

Should I go?

Can I even say no to them?

Meme

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 12:46:12 GMT

TEN THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY TO 10 PEOPLE:

10. I hate that I'm always fifth on your list and you are second and first on my lists. I hate that you saw it before me and that you didn't even invite me along with you. I hated how you acted as if it was no big deal when you know I have self esteem issues and that I often hate myself.

9. I hate how you took it as a joke when I said I feel like killing myself sometimes. I hate how you made fun of me and didn't realise. I hate how you snuck away from the table to talk to her because you were ashamed of being my friend. I hate how you never notice anything else, but it gives me a sick twisted kind of pride in myself that I write from the heart and you only write what is a mindless dribble of Twilight with different names and locations.

8. I missed you. I missed you so much it hurt. And it always hurt.

7. I hate it how you're never around anymore. I know it's not your fault because you're busy and you have a good friend with you (and I'll come over there and kick her ass if she ever hurts you in any way) but I miss being random.

6. I love you, I love you more than you could ever know, and I'm so sick of them trying to break us apart. School is not enough and it's out for the summer. I need to see you, talk to you and have fun with you.

5. I'm sad that you're turning out exactly like her, exactly like them. I'm sad that I never liked you like I was supposed to. I hate how you never care and always are mean to me, and how I am always the target of your jokes.

4. I wish you would shut up sometimes, I really do. But I love you like a sister .

3. I hate how you love your dog more than you love your children.

2. I hate how you come over unannounced all the time and yell all the time even though he is one foot away from you. I ahte how you can never take a fucking hint and leave me alone.

1. I love the thought that you are four lines a stanza and I am heart and soul/

NINE THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF:

9. I'm half italian.

8. I can come off as cold and unfriendly and I hate that you make assumptions about me.

7. Sometimes I think very deeply about death.

6. I sleep. Write. Procrastinate. Talk. Eat. Sleep. and everything in between is daydreaming.

5. I don't know how to play poker.

4. My hair can grow down to my boobs and I would still think it was shoulder legnth.

3. I like to make myself paranoid.

2. I love Twilight. I think Edward Cullen is the sex and Carlisle makes the hottest doctor ever.

1. There is a lot about me that no one knows about and never will.

EIGHT WAYS TO WIN YOUR HEART:

8. Trust me, and prove to me that I can trust you.

7. Listen to me.

6. Hold me when I'm breaking down. Don't just look at me or type 'lol' 'okay'

5. Make me laugh.

4. Support me. Be my save haven.

3. Learn the complex balance of my mind and my soul.

2. Hug me. Don't ask, just do it, because if you do I'll say no even though I really want you to.

1. Love me. Tell me. Show me.

SEVEN THINGS THAT CROSS YOUR MIND A LOT:

7. What is really behind the mirrors?

6. What is out there.

5. Do you see my inside, or only the exterior?

4. I wish I was better. At everything.

3. Daydreaming won't help me now.

2. Would I be happier if I looked different?

1. Why?

SIX THINGS YOU DO BEFORE YOU FALL ASLEEP:

6. Make a quick visit to LJ.

5. Say goodnight before I turn off the computer.

4. Go to the toilet.

5. Pat Ella.

3. Unplug the laptop and put it on the red box..

2. Throw my pillows on the correct spot and clear my bed.

1. Turn off the light and climb into the bed.

FIVE THINGS THAT FRUSTRATE YOU:

5. Writing

4. People

3. Love

2. Life

1. Me

FOUR THINGS YOU LOVE TO DO ON RAINY DAYS:

4. Stay in bed all day

3. Read

2. Write.

1. Talk to Jasmine. Or Em. Or Mir.

THREE BIGGEST FEARS

3. Death of others

2. Moths

1. Me.

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:

2. Travel the world

1. Get published

ONE CONFESSION:

1. I'm rarely happy with myself.

nerd_in_trainin posy_doll seriously_em

</lj></lj></lj>

Meme

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 12:13:29 GMT

I've come to realise that my hair: will never be the way I want it to
I've come to realise that my heart: could be frozen over and not many would notice, let alone care
I've come to realise that my job: was a dream, I've never had one
I've come to realise that when I'm driving: I'm often dreaming
I've come to realise that I need: someone to care?
I've come to realise that I've lost: this, that, everything, nothing.
I've come to realise that I don't like it when: people ignore me and I don't know why
I've come to realise that money: is everything and nothing.
I've come to realise that certain people: need to fall in the vat of decency
I've come to realise that I'll always: be the last one chosen.
I've come to realise that yesterday: was boring. much like everyother day.
I've come to realise that my mother: doesn't matter.
Before I went to sleep last night I realised: that I was scared at the prospect of nothingness that would last over a month
I've come to realise that when I woke up this morning: that it was actually 1pm
I've come to realise that right now I am thinking: the laptop keyboard is annoying and I think I accidentally spilt raw noodles on it.
I've come to realise that my dad: is a massive hypocrit.
I've come to realise that today: is monday?
I've come to realise that tonight: I will sleep soundly.
I've come to realise that I really want: my uncle to stfu.. and so should my dad
I've come to realise that the person who is most likely to repost this: is Mir? maybe
I've come to realise that life: is hard and troublesome. Death is easy, peaceful.
I've come to realisee that my friends: are the ones I care about

I TAG:

seriously_em nerd_in_trainin posy_doll